When "I'm Sorry" Isn't Enough

The media is once again bombarding us with headlines filled with toxic shame and bad behavior. It's difficult to get the world news and find out what is really happening because no one wants to miss the opportunity to claim higher ratings, to sell more tabloid rags or to join in the frenzy and financial gain of gawking at the rich and famous. Today's news was Chris Brown. The R&B star's recent apology and guilty plea for assaulting his former girlfriend gives us yet another opportunity to get in touch with the out-of-control collective shadow that lurks beneath the surface of every one of us, even those who can claim political, financial, creative or material success. Who would have predicted a year ago that this multi-talented bestselling singer, dancer, and entertainer would be capable of beating his superstar girlfriend? While his therapy and remorse are worthy of note, beneath the surface of this young man is a pile of rage. Let's not fool ourselves. If that rage is not continually confronted and taken seriously, he will more than likely end up striking another woman or, even worse, beating her to death. And, quite frankly, being sorry for beating the s--t out of his girlfriend is just not enough.

I want to be clear. I do not believe that any three or four year old aspires to grow up and damage the life of another or that they would find this an acceptable way to behave (unless they were missing a moral compass). I do not believe that Chris Brown, a young man with an entire world open to his gifts and talents, woke up one day and said, "I can't wait to be a woman beater." But the facts now prove that Chris Brown is someone capable of causing horrific pain. My heart goes out to this young man who has been blessed with enormous gifts and cursed with such a difficult issue.

This issue of violence is our collective responsibility. It is up to us to teach our youth how to deal with emotional problems, how to address the compulsions and impulses that bring men and women to their knees each day. It is time for all of us to see that we are sleep-walking through life if we think the issue will magically go away when we as a society can barely bring ourselves to admit how rampant the abuse of women is, whether it is emotional, psychological or physical. As I exposed in The Shadow Effect, on average, more than three women are murdered by their intimate partners every day. We must gather as one voice and say "Enough is enough." It must stop now. It is time for us to collectively take responsibility for educating both the victims and the victimizers, the prey and the predators. We must stand strong together and say "No more!" We must make a commitment that we will not gather together in denial, ignoring the issues that plague our human existence. Instead, we must join together and break free from the bonds of our fear, shame, hurt and guilt. We must do our own work, knowing that when enough of us do that, others will benefit from our collective coming together and the healing of our own shame, fear and rage.

Not excusing his behavior, let's acknowledge that Chris Brown is just another face of the unhealed shadow wounds. And if we don't come out of denial (page 145 of Why Good People Do Bad Things) then tomorrow he will just be replaced by another poor soul who is a victim of society itself. He is not here for us to project our shame and horror on. Nor is he here for us to point our fingers at. He is here so that we may learn, grow and evolve and face our own dark, uncontrollable impulses. And ultimately, as we look at his behavior, we can be humble and grateful that we are not the ones acting out this horrific crime. We can close our eyes and thank God that we are not having to deal with this issue in our own lives as we silently murmur the prayer, "There but for the grace of God go I."

Your Weekly Shadow Work

Do you use the bad behavior of others to justify your own not-so-bad behavior? Check out your own uncontrollable impulses. When will you handle them? What could you do this week to stand for the collective healing?

With love and respect,

Debbie Ford

Are You Creating the Best Summer?

Please join me for the next 40 days in creating the best summer of your life. What if this were the last summer of your life? What would you do, what would you think, what would you say, and what would you choose? For the next 40 days, ask yourself each day, "What could I do today to ensure that this will be a memorable day, a special day...a life-changing day?" This is the time to "claim the moment." If you've forgotten how, read the chapter in The Best Year of Your Life. What moments could you bask in, indulge all your senses in with a friend, a co-worker, or your kids?

I've been completely turned on and inspired just being on the Internet looking at making my plans for my upcoming visit to Turkey and then my amazing journey with many of you on the Voyage Into the Light cruise. Just making plans is exhilarating, imagining the future that awaits.

So whether you're making travel plans, doing a summer activity, or just following your regular routine, take a moment, close your eyes and ask the highest part of you what you could do today to make this day memorable, meaningful and inspiring. You may choose to call a friend and read them a Rumi poem. Or you might take an extra five minutes on your walk to talk to one of the trees (I did that yesterday -- it was so much fun). You may host a special barbecue next Sunday or invite some friends over to watch The Shadow Effect and embrace one of your long-forgotten aspects. :-) And if you feel like taking a risk, you might even give an extra extra extra long hug to your son, daughter, partner or friend. And for those of you who are blessed with a seemingly difficult challenge right now, remember that after every darkness, there comes enormous amounts of light. Through this difficult time, take an area of your life and make it fantastic, exciting, inspiring -- the best ever.

Make a commitment to join me for the next 40 days in making this the most special and memorable summer of your life. You deserve it. And remember that the best summer of your life will be a collection of the best days of your life.

Mediocrity or greatness? You choose.

With love and respect,

Debbie Ford

Michael Jackson: The Light & The Dark

This morning, I woke up feeling anxious, fearful and ashamed. My human self, my scared little girl, was activated and toxic thoughts and familiar feelings from my past were dominating my experience of a quiet morning. Sadly, I arose thinking about what had triggered these unwanted emotions. I couldn't figure out why I was feeling this sudden anxiety about my life and my future.

After lying in bed for another restless 30 minutes, I decided to get up and make myself something soothing to help me shift out of my mood. French toast and a cup of coffee -- one of my favorite breakfast treats -- seemed like a good choice to calm my aching heart, even if it was instant gratification. As I stood over the soaking wheat bread, I was filled with thoughts and feelings about the unexpected death of pop icon Michael Jackson and the potential ramifications on my own life. I realized that I was triggered by someone's response to the trailer of my movie where a voice-over reads the newspaper headline "Pop star Michael Jackson admitted sharing a bed with a teenage boy." I felt the fear that others would now come and attack me for speaking and sharing the truth of this past headline. What was happening inside of me was an activation of an old wound, a time when I had spoken my truth and gotten punished for it. I could feel the terror racing through my veins and the trembling of my hands as I tried to explain my words to my parents. I could hear the protest from my own young voice, "I didn't mean it, I'm sorry, I won't say it again". The oddly familiar sensations brought up a flood of memories that both saddened me and reminded me of why I am here and using my voice today and why my life's work has been to support others in examining and healing their shadows. These feelings reminded me of why I wrote The Dark Side of the Light Chasers and train coaches to deliver transformative processes. The remembrance of my past shed light once again on why I had the intense need and desire to make a film about the human shadow and risk it all to have everyone I could reach, see, hear, and understand the potential devastation of their unhealed and unexamined shadows.

In a few moments, the weakening feelings of my past were transformed into powerful fuel for the present. I literally went from wanting to cry to feeling strong and inspired. In that new light, I had to question my fears. Was I really going to shrink in the face of criticism because someone else's shame would never allow them to expose the pain and ugliness of the human shadow? Could I? Should I? I had to keep my mouth shut so many times when I was a teenager but now I had a choice. What would I tell others to do? I would tell them to stand up tall, speak their truth and be compassionate to themselves in the face of criticism. I would tell them that exposing the shadow is not a mean or heartless thing to do but rather the exact opposite - it is a courageous act as long as it is done with love and compassion for those who have been taken over by their shadows.

So, in that spirit, I am going to share my thoughts about Michael Jackson and his shadow, not to exploit him out of malice but to honor his entire legacy which clearly shows us that even a soul who has chosen to come into our world and shine the brightest light can be plagued by the darkness of his own unexamined shadow. In every generation, we have the public scapegoat that everyone loves and praises and then turns on when the shadow raises its ugly little head. Michael might have been here to help us all see what goes wrong when we don't have a strong support system or when we have too much fame and power to call forth honesty in others. Anyone with great stardom will tell you that they attract those who will kiss their ass and do whatever just to make them happy. Those with huge amounts of money, fame, power and gifts are often enabled and followed by what I describe in Why Good People Do Bad Things as the Entitled Supporters. These megastars have the same pain as you and I. In fact, for many of them, the pain is worse because they carry the guilt of being the chosen star, the light who reflects back to all others their greatness and their limitations. They feel guilty and the guilty seek punishment. What better punishment than to have everything in the outer world and emptiness in the inner world? What better punishment than to allow their human addictions to dictate their well-being and keep them immersed in the never-ending misery of an unaddressed addiction?

I am sharing this not to stand in judgment of Michael Jackson but because I believe that the soul of Michael Jackson would rejoice if his death could bring enlightenment to one more person or help others crawl out of the dungeons of their own inner hell and into the glorious moment of divine recognition.

In The Shadow Effect movie, spiritual luminary Marianne Williamson challenges us, "Don't be the captain that just goes downstairs and goes to sleep." We must wake up. We must admit to the truth of our own humanity as well as our own divinity. We must stop burying our heads about our personal problems and our world problems. We must explore our righteousness that tells us to keep our mouths shut - "Don't call someone out, that isn't nice, let the dead rest in peace." We must expose the parts of ourselves that want to stay silent. We must step out of the devastation of denial that would have us go back to sleep after losing a legend and instead we must examine how we could have saved him, how we can save the lives of others and how we can help the whole of humanity by waking up.

I don't believe the timing of Michael Jackson's death and the release of the first film describing the birth of the shadow, the mechanisms that keep it in place, the human struggle with the shadow and finally the integration of the shadow, is an accident. I believe that the timing is perfect. Maybe the death of one of the most beloved artists in the history of the world will have us look a little closer, examine more deeply and wake us up out of our own psychological laziness. Although my human self wishes I didn't use Michael Jackson as an example of a shadow gone amok, my Divine self is applauding us both. Why would it be applauding us both? Because it takes a brave soul to act out the shadow for all of us to learn from.

So please, let's use Michael Jackson's death not as a time to project your shame on me or others who want to help the awakened to understand the complexities of the human experience but instead let's use Michael's untimely death as an opportunity to stand together and for greater awareness, to expose the devastating effects of the shadow, to wake others up and see how we can make it mandatory for everyone -- our children, our teachers, our health care providers, our law enforcement officers, our prisoners, our politicians, our babysitters, our mothers, our fathers and our friends -- to learn about their shadows. Let's make known to every man, woman and child today that we have a secret part of us that we try desperately to hide, repress and lie about that needs the light of our awareness to heal. Let's help those with great talent and fame and those with little visible gifts know that it is okay to have a shadow, it's human to have a shadow, and that in fact it is our spiritual promise to have a shadow.

In honor of the genius and talented Michael Jackson, the King of Pop, I once again commit to doing whatever is humanly possible to support others in uncovering, owning and reclaiming the power of their shadows.

With love and respect,

Debbie Ford

Take the Vow of Emotional Independence

"When you have emotional independence,

you want for nothing

because you have everything."

Debbie Ford

Today is the day to join me and millions of others in taking a vow of emotional independence. Emotional independence will give you the freedom to love and be loved, to give freely and to receive abundantly, to expand rather than contract, to move forward rather than stay stuck, to live in joy rather than misery, to be in control rather than to be controlled, and to be nourished by faith rather than diminished by fear.

Take the vow now.

The Vow of Emotional Independence

This vow's proclamation says I, ______ ________, will no longer be bound by the slavery of my past.

I will never again give my power away to some food, substance or disempowering craving.

I will stop allowing others to define who I am and I will stand for my highest expression.

I will stop trying to please others and instead please myself.

I will stop listening to the voice of my critical internal mother and father and I will listen to the voice of my most supportive and loving self.

I will break free from the strangulating grip of my self-defeating behaviors and choose powerfully each and every moment to make choices that leave me feeling great about myself and my life.

I take this vow NOW as a positive stand for my soul's highest expression and for every man, woman, and child on this planet today. .

As I set myself free, I am freeing all others from the violence of my darkest thoughts and my negative projections.

And now, as I close my eyes, I ask all the powers that be to support me in living this vow each and every moment of each and every day.

And it shall be.

* * *

My life's work has been to support others in freeing themselves from the grips of their limited self. And today, as we approach Independence Day in America I am proud to share my film with you that is already freeing people from the bonds of their past and changing the lives of others around the world.

The Shadow Effect guarantees that you take a quantum leap toward emotional freedom. Without this priceless information and without understanding the mechanism of your humanity you will forever stay trapped inside the confines of your limited egoic self.

As I stand for your emotional independence today, I invite you to take this profound step into your light.

With love and respect,

Debbie Ford