The Dark Side of People Pleasers

After basking in the light for so many months while writing The 21-Day Consciousness Cleanse, I decided to dip back into the dark side to shed some light on one of the toughest masks that must get broken if we are to break free from the wounded ego's grip. In my last book, which has been released this month in paperback, I explore the masks that we wear that keep us from being authentic and standing in our power. For the next few weeks, I will share some of these masks so that you can explore some of the behaviors that might seem nice, good, even royal but that ultimately undermine our happiness and success. So buckle up because they are straight to the point, no holds barred and meant to pierce the denial that keeps us trapped in our human personas.

People Pleasers are one of my favorite types because, even though this behavior is often rooted in sheer selfishness, people pleasers are actually good down to their core, and their need to please others generally helps someone else. True People Pleasers are usually people who were wounded in adolescence -- shamed until their needs no longer seemed important to them -- and learned at a young age that to survive with the least amount of stress thrown at them, they should try with all their might to make others happy. People Pleasers are prey for the predator types and feel deeply ashamed that they are just not always worth the space they take up in the world. Their feelings of unworthiness, and the fear that they are nothing without someone else's love or approval, leave them with a driving need to prove their worth to others. People Pleasers are the ones with a warm smile on their face and the word prey stamped on their forehead. They are driven to capture your love by doing, overdoing, and then doing some more. They will give until there is nothing left of themselves and covertly feed off the one they are giving to in a less than healthy way. They may take the form of the love buyer, buying gifts and spending money that they don't have, in order to gain love. Their food is the adoration of others, and although they may look like they are giving, they are actually taking.

People Pleasers are always seeking the validation of others for all that they do. Unfortunately, their deep feelings of inadequacy rob them of actually hearing how important and appreciated they are to their receiver. When People Pleasers are acting from their emotional wounds, their self-sabotage comes from their inability to hear what another might truly want from them. Looking through their own filter of "How can I please you?" cuts them off from hearing, listening to, and being in touch with appropriate behavior, thereby cutting themselves off at the foot.

The shadow of People Pleasers is their deep shame that they are nothing without you. "You" is whomever they happen to be attached to at the moment, together with the deeds they are doing on "your" behalf to prove how necessary they are. Driven by feelings of uselessness and insignificance, it's the People Pleaser's challenge is to admit that they have been using the guise of giving as a way to feed their own sense of belonging and importance. By allowing themselves to feel the hidden emotions that they suppress through the act of giving, they begin to recognize how in need they are of their own charity. Once the People Pleaser surrenders to the fact that their job is not to please another, they can focus all of their attention and energy on the one person they do have the power to please: themselves.

If this mask fits you and you feel a bit angry, just take a few moments to breathe into the feelings. Allow yourself to search for and discover all the joy, energy and self-esteem that you have given away as a result of trying to please another. Make a commitment from this day forward to catch yourself when you are saying yes when you mean no and when you are giving even when you have nothing left. I assure you that you deserve better and that you will find true love, authentic love when you realize that you were born worthy and that nothing can take that away from you.